Homemade Bars: A Guide to the Anti-DUI

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Homemade Bars: A Guide to the Anti-DUI

By alan ⋅ February 18, 2008 ⋅

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We all know the feeling… Sitting on the couch, mildly interested in the crap on TV; then suddenly, the urge for a cool drink strikes. You want a drink because you’re a drinker, and drinks are what drinkers like to drink. So, you plan your next moves:

Call The Professionals and rally the troops
Shower
Shave (depending on the bar and status of women in said bar)
Dress yourself in more than old gym shorts and a ripped t-shirt
Brush the teeth
Load pockets with gum, condoms, smokes, a Zippo, and cash
Get to the bar

It all sounds good until you remember one key factor…YOU’RE LAZY. But this simple and sad truth does not sway you from your conquest of the liquid gold. So, what’s a drinker supposed to do? Build A Bar! Right in your own home. Think about it, your very own alcohol repository… No more soft pours, long lines, or last calls… Cut out the middle man! Become the master of your own destiny! It’s sheer genius.

OK, let’s do this…. Step one:

Rally The Troops!

You’ll have no problems with this. If the booze is free or even if you have to instill a BYOB policy, it will still be a helluva lot cheaper than getting tossed off 6 dollar Miller’s and watered-down pours. In the case of us at The Distilled Life, we don’t travel far without the promise of alcohol; although for free or cheap drinking, we’ll go the distance.

Shower!

Fuck it. It’s your bar. (unless she’s involved)

Shave!

Fuck it. It’s your bar.

Dress Yourself!

Fuck it. It’s your bar.

Brush the Teeth!

Fuck it. It’s your bar.

Load Pockets!

Photo © dahveed76

Fuck it. It’s your bar. These things should already be placed somewhere that’s easy enough to reach without getting off the bar stool.

Get to the Bar!

Ooze from the couch to the stool. Depending on the size of your house or apartment: 2 min tops. If you’re too lazy for that, forget this article, and this website. No drinker is THAT lazy when it comes to booze.

Congratulations, you’re building a bar! Now there are several options when it comes to building an in-home bar. We’ve scanned the ether for what we feel are the best options to suit everyone’s needs. Here’s what we found:

The “Poor Man’s” Bar:

These college students at Captain Fletch took $200 and a couple weeks to build a suitable bar for their drinking purposes. The design is simple and functional. Perfect for a college or 20-something living space. You won’t mind spilled drinks, food stains, other stains, drinking games, or any other harsh treatment on this table. According to the builder it is “nearly indestructible”. The article is complete with visual aids and a detailed guide to the building process. Big Thumbs Up!

The “Skilled Craftsmen” Bar:

The DIY Network has written up an extremely detailed set of instructions for building a great bar setup. This is the kind of bar that would make a fantastic addition to any respectable drinkers home. The attitude of this bar speaks more to the people whose aim is to “entertain guests” as opposed to “getting shitfaced on a Wednesday night with the boys”. You are going to want to take care of this little entertainment area like a newborn child. Unlike the poor man’s bar, this project will take a lot of time, energy, and a decent stack of greenbacks. But it will be something to behold once it is completed.

If you don’t like the design being depicted in in this Do-It-Yourself article, then you can always cruise over to Bar Plan and buy floor plans and build directions for a number of styles. A great example of a dedicated drinker using one of these plans to make a hot spot to drink comes from the New York Post article posted on the Bar Plan site.

The “Fuck It, I’m Rich” Bar:

If you have lots of money and no time or skill to fiddle with sticks of wood and nails, you can always hire some high priced bar design firm to take care of it for you. There are a ton of them out there. Wallace & Hinz Custom Bars, for example, does residential and commercial bars. Their site offers plenty of examples of their more elaborate designs and builds.

This is the best approach if you can manage it. You can make ridiculous requests for additions to your bar that are sure to be unmatched by any of your gated community neighbors. We’d like to think that if there were ever a Distilled Life bar built by one of these firms it would most certainly have the ability to become a beer pong table, foosball table, dart board, jacuzzi, urinal, and Jack In The Box- complete with 24 hour drive-thru.

Now that you’ve decided what kind of bar you want, or at least what is feasible for your situation, you have to stock it. A bar is just a pile of sticks if there isn’t liquor in its belly. Look out for an update on methods to stock your bar in the near future.

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